Thursday, October 18, 2007

People are disgusting creatures.

Yes I mean you....and you! You vile, noxious, vapid, swine-sucking, chicken-vent-felating, baboon-boinking, horse-humping, reptile-rump-ranging, donut-hole-punching, sick, sharting, leaking FREAKS!

Not to insult you or anything.

I recently found a few things I'm told people actually eat. I will list them here so that you may regurgitate your 99-cent convenience store hot dog along with me.

Australians are no longer hot. I was down with Steve Irwin and Russell Crowe but now all that's been ruined and not just because Steve's dead. Who in their right mind wants to go around smelling like they've been tossing some random ferret's salad? I mean besides you, Dyck...we can't all be "Captain Carnal".

Speaking of which, I had a ferret once and while I am vaguely aware that it's not a weasel, it's close enough that I couldn't care less and called it one or the other by turns. Anyway, at no point in this Weaselferret's life did I see it cough up a chunk of something and immediately conclude that said chunk needed to be ground up so that I might later drink it. I don't know what country is responsible for this:

but it's clearly in need of a good bombing raid. The website selling this...."treat" describes their product:

Made from coffee beans that are regurgitated by weasels. The beans are then harvested (picked up) to make this fine flavoured coffee. A great talking point for dinner parties or maybe you might just like the taste of this unusual coffee. Sterilised and safe to eat. Don't believe us? Try it!

How 'bout a nice tall glass of GO TO HELL, YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE! Because no, eat weasel vomit if you must but leave me out of it. Besides, what kind of motherfucking "talking point" are they expecting your party guests to make when you reveal the source of that divinely sweet café au lait they've been delicately sipping for the last hour?

What's the number for the White House dammit? Get these horrible people and their horrible ideas off my planet! The Shrub will do this for me, he hates anything different which I consider to be his one and only respectable personality trait when it comes to ridiculous shit like this.

That up there is Snake Wine. You drink it. You open the top and hope like hell they didn't put a water moccasin in there who can hold it's breath during shipping. Then you pour it into a cup (I'm assuming you'd strain out any unsightly scaly bits) and then, bottoms up!

Again, I'm not quite sure which country has brought us this lovely concoction but since they priced this monstrosity in "euros" I'm going to go ahead and say it's one of those good-for-nothing foreign countries that has oil we most likely "need". So I'm putting this on my list of countries to call Dubya about.

Okay this one comes from the good old U, S of A. California to be exact. And yes, they want you to eat those. Not just eat them though. They want you to PAY to eat them. Where's a good god damned earthquake when you need it? Why is this state still here anyway? The Earth's tried shaking it off like the dingle berry that it is but the bastard seems to have sunk it's organically manicured nails into Nevada's nefarious sediment and refuses to let go. While I'd love to see a gang of showgirls band together and stiletto-stomp them loose I'm truthfully more inclined to enlist the help of the less-annoying state of Colorado instead. The way I see it, if Coloradans use their size 15 snow shoes on those next-door-Mormons to effectively kick-em-where-the-good-lord-split-em, that in turn would nudge them right into those hideous, herpes-infected, herpitarian hooching harlots on the coast and the weight of all of their collective stupidity would send the lot of them plummeting into the depths of the sea never to be heard from again.

And with all of these idiots gone we'd be able to live happily, snake-and-scorpion-wine-free, musky-mint-popping, weasel-regurgitated-coffee-drinking, worm-lunchin' ever after. The end. (my kids love this story)

I'll take trans-fats over this shit any day. Wheel in the 3-pound bacon-covered, triple-cheese burger with fried jalapenos, a side of ranch dressing and a bushel of salty fries....I'm hungry.

..think I can get that with gravy?


Effortlessly Average said...

That reminds me of a coffee sold at Starbucks several years ago. It was freakishly pricey and tasted like it had been filtered through a dead cat. Then I found out why.

The beans were from some special plant in the rainforest. The only way the beans were suitable for grinding and making into coffee was for the bean to be eaten by a particular kind of bird, passed through the digestive tract, then pooped out, where they are collected and turned into coffee. Nice, but it tasted kinda nutty.

Plexus said...

You would love Oaxaca, Mexico. Lived there for almost half a year. They have chapulinas - which are roasted grasshoppers with a coating of chilli pepper. Took me months - and actually a day of Mezcal tasting and shopping in the open-air market - before I finally stomached up the liquid courage to ignore the fact I was eating one of the Biblical plagues.

Not bad, crunchy and probably very good for you.

They also serve goat - chivo - down there and it supposed to be quite succulent. However, living in a small little town amongst the cute little bleating bastards, I couldn't quite detach myself to try a plate.

And I think your gourmond tour has given you a little insight on why there are more men than women in Australia. Former prison colony my ass.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

This is excellent news! For years I've been thinking about selling the corn in my poop. Now I know there's actually a market for this sort of thing! I'm gonna be rich, bitch! Pass the succotash.

Patti said...

Mr. Average...I find this disturbing as I like nuts. To eat nuts. To eat a food often referred to AS NUTS. I know I must be specific in dealing with you menfolk otherwise I start receiving all sorts of spamerotica and seriously, my computer just can't hold any more.

Plexus...I threw up copiously just now and not for the reasons you might think. I hate the word "succulent"'s a disgusting sounding word and I can't even say it without gagging a little. Sort of like the word "moist" ....*gag*. sorry.

Dyck...what about sesame seeds in your that'd be a huge seller. I hear the more they have to sift, the higher the price goes up.

Anonymous said...

I think I'd rather chew the yellow fungus off of some diabetics gangrene infected toe nail than eat some of those foods!

Patti said...

okay ....ew.

feet are nasty!