Monday, January 21, 2008

Useless Information

I'm not sure why I know this stuff. Perhaps it's because I've spent the past 8 years laboring away at a job that isn't the least bit stimulating and whose requirements seldom exceed the basics of being alive and breathing in order to complete. Or it could be that I am an amazing multitasker with a keen intellect whose problem solving abilities are rivaled only by my dynamic personality and ability to foresee and forestall any and all obstacles.

I'm leaning a bit toward the lack of stimulation personally, but I'll leave you with your own opinions.

Regardless of the are just a few of the things I know:

- A starfish eats by turning it's stomach inside out and effectively capturing it's prey before it reels them back in to digest. Yum.

- Argon gas is used to fill the inside of incandescent light bulbs and is the third most common gas in our atmosphere. The first is of course Dyck's incessant blatherings with oxygen following close behind.

- Button Gwinnett is the second signer on the Declaration of Independence. His signature is also the most valuable as he was killed in a duel a mere 9 months after adding his name to the final document leaving less than 50 samples of his signature to history.

- Ceres is the largest known asteroid.

- An Isohyet is a line on a map that joins two areas of equal rainfall.

- The infamously top-heavy Barbie doll actually has a middle and last name. It's Barbie Millicent Roberts and she'll be 49 this year.

- The biggest pyramid in the world is actually in Mexico and not Egypt.

- But speaking of Egypt, dead Egyptian women were left in the sun for 3 days before being embalmed so that their embalmers wouldn't find them attractive. Sexy!

- You could fill 2 average sized pools with the saliva you produce in a lifetime. Just one more reason I hate you.

- And speaking of hating takes 7 pounds of pressure to rip off a human ear.

- OH! A group of Crows is called a murder. (Entirely unrelated to my hating you I promise.)

- Coconuts kill more people than sharks do. (again a coincidence with the death thing)

- A pig orgasm lasts for 30 minutes! (see I've moved on to more pleasant things)

- An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain which leads me to believe the internets is primarily contributed to by these enormous and, judging by the sheer volume of websites devoted to porn...exceedingly horny beasts. I bet the pigs just love it though.

- Bulls are not attracted to the color red. They are however attracted to the movement of men in tight pants.

I know all of this and SO MUCH MORE.....and yet I can't remember to charge my cell phone at night not to mention forgetting the name of the new guy here at work even though he started more than 2 months ago!

Richard? Bob? Leeroy?


Oh well. At least I know that a crocodile can't move it's tongue because it's attached to the roof of it's mouth and that a jiffy is an actual measure of time (it's 1/60 of a second). See why I drink?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Pet Peeve

When you call me and ask for my fax number, don't start repeating the number until AFTER I'm done giving it. Otherwise it turns this:

Me: "123-456-7890"
You: "Okay I have 123-456-7890, is that correct?"
Me: "yes."

into this:

Me: "1, 2, 3"
You: "oooooooooone, twooooooooooooooooo.........four?"
Me: "No, 1, 2, 3.............4, 5..."
You: "oh, oooooone, twoooooooo, four."
Me: "No, it's 1...........2.............3........."
You: "123?"
Me: "yes" (fucktard!)
You: "...."
Me: (okay I'll go on) "4, 5, 6........"
You: "123....4.....threeeeeeeeee"
Me: "No, it's a 5"
You: "What's a five?"
Me: "The number after the 4"
You: "Which 4?"
Me: "?????????????????????" (the fuck!?)

So, yeah....just don't okay? Wait until I slooooooowly give all 10 numbers and I think we'll be fine?

Everyone who understands and agrees just shake your head up and down. Everyone else go kindly fuck yourselves and never call me again.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Seems like only yesterday

My last post was mid-October.

I'm not one of those people who feels compelled to come back with tales of how my kids' holiday activities exhausted my every available resource or how my obligatory family visits caused me to drink myself into oblivion just to stay sane. And I certainly don't highlight these truths as my reason for not posting. Hell no! I'm a real woman about it. I don't mind telling you the truth. I have nothing to hide!


I was abducted by aliens.

A graphic and much more disturbing story will be coming soon but for now just know that while the abduction only lasted a hot second I'm here to tell you that the itching, burning and subsequent sloughing will follow me the rest of my life, or so the scientists tell me. Seriously, I've spent the last two months in quarantine as the government tried to figure out whether the green scales on my naughty bits were contagious or not. Then when those fell off and were replaced by a strange sulphuric odor and hives in the shape of a five-pointed star...I was told it was most likely demonic possession and I should just go home and wait for their priest. That was right after Christmas and I haven't seen a single man-of-the-cloth since (unless you count the stripper dressed like Tarzan....but he was more a "man-of-the-loin-cloth"...HA!).

Needless to say, these are very trying and difficult times. And unlike that time I contracted nasal herpes, is also completely out of my control.

So....what's the verdict? Am I forgiven yet?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

People are disgusting creatures.

Yes I mean you....and you! You vile, noxious, vapid, swine-sucking, chicken-vent-felating, baboon-boinking, horse-humping, reptile-rump-ranging, donut-hole-punching, sick, sharting, leaking FREAKS!

Not to insult you or anything.

I recently found a few things I'm told people actually eat. I will list them here so that you may regurgitate your 99-cent convenience store hot dog along with me.

Australians are no longer hot. I was down with Steve Irwin and Russell Crowe but now all that's been ruined and not just because Steve's dead. Who in their right mind wants to go around smelling like they've been tossing some random ferret's salad? I mean besides you, Dyck...we can't all be "Captain Carnal".

Speaking of which, I had a ferret once and while I am vaguely aware that it's not a weasel, it's close enough that I couldn't care less and called it one or the other by turns. Anyway, at no point in this Weaselferret's life did I see it cough up a chunk of something and immediately conclude that said chunk needed to be ground up so that I might later drink it. I don't know what country is responsible for this:

but it's clearly in need of a good bombing raid. The website selling this...."treat" describes their product:

Made from coffee beans that are regurgitated by weasels. The beans are then harvested (picked up) to make this fine flavoured coffee. A great talking point for dinner parties or maybe you might just like the taste of this unusual coffee. Sterilised and safe to eat. Don't believe us? Try it!

How 'bout a nice tall glass of GO TO HELL, YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE! Because no, eat weasel vomit if you must but leave me out of it. Besides, what kind of motherfucking "talking point" are they expecting your party guests to make when you reveal the source of that divinely sweet café au lait they've been delicately sipping for the last hour?

What's the number for the White House dammit? Get these horrible people and their horrible ideas off my planet! The Shrub will do this for me, he hates anything different which I consider to be his one and only respectable personality trait when it comes to ridiculous shit like this.

That up there is Snake Wine. You drink it. You open the top and hope like hell they didn't put a water moccasin in there who can hold it's breath during shipping. Then you pour it into a cup (I'm assuming you'd strain out any unsightly scaly bits) and then, bottoms up!

Again, I'm not quite sure which country has brought us this lovely concoction but since they priced this monstrosity in "euros" I'm going to go ahead and say it's one of those good-for-nothing foreign countries that has oil we most likely "need". So I'm putting this on my list of countries to call Dubya about.

Okay this one comes from the good old U, S of A. California to be exact. And yes, they want you to eat those. Not just eat them though. They want you to PAY to eat them. Where's a good god damned earthquake when you need it? Why is this state still here anyway? The Earth's tried shaking it off like the dingle berry that it is but the bastard seems to have sunk it's organically manicured nails into Nevada's nefarious sediment and refuses to let go. While I'd love to see a gang of showgirls band together and stiletto-stomp them loose I'm truthfully more inclined to enlist the help of the less-annoying state of Colorado instead. The way I see it, if Coloradans use their size 15 snow shoes on those next-door-Mormons to effectively kick-em-where-the-good-lord-split-em, that in turn would nudge them right into those hideous, herpes-infected, herpitarian hooching harlots on the coast and the weight of all of their collective stupidity would send the lot of them plummeting into the depths of the sea never to be heard from again.

And with all of these idiots gone we'd be able to live happily, snake-and-scorpion-wine-free, musky-mint-popping, weasel-regurgitated-coffee-drinking, worm-lunchin' ever after. The end. (my kids love this story)

I'll take trans-fats over this shit any day. Wheel in the 3-pound bacon-covered, triple-cheese burger with fried jalapenos, a side of ranch dressing and a bushel of salty fries....I'm hungry.

..think I can get that with gravy?

Happy Halloween Retards!

I made these templates for pumpkins because I have crotchlings that require entertaining and it was actually kind of fun to make them. Anyway, I'll be testing them out this're all (all 2 of you LOL) welcome to give it a try as well. Let me know if it sucks or not, k?

Oh and yes, they're crude but still give you the general idea. I may be highly talented with an IQ larger than Oprah's bank account, but I have dick to work with creatively so I make do.

They are also crude because I start projects and then get bored and toss them aside like a $2 whore. You name it: knitting, books, children, art projects...I start off well but have almost zero follow through. In fact I have over 20 blog posts I haven't finished....just sitting there .....staring me down every time I log in.


For the truly retarded you just copy/paste it to a document, adjust the size to fit a pumpkin, tape it on, poke little holes all around the yellow bits then cut those out. Or if you're a seriously average individual just print them out and tape them on whatever you have handy. Then go back to stalking barely legal hoochies using this holiday as an excuse to dress like skank whores.

There is also another version of each character that's NSFC unless your name's Britney Spears then ding dang, give Cleetus and Bufford some Red Bull and knives and let 'em wack these out on their own!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Blogger sucks anal lesions.

I had this entire huge-ass post written out and what did it do? It choked on it! Not even the heiney-lick would bring it back up. That shit was Pulitzer material too, yo.

So, in light of that I will leave you with this inquiry: Am I the only person who gets this log-in screen EVERY TIME I go to leave a comment on Dyck’s blog?

Aren't the letters supposed to change each time or something? Weird.

Friday, October 12, 2007

That's Officer Bitch to you....

If your child has drowned, don't be a douche and leave standing water everywhere. Be courteous and tidy up before emergency workers arrive. And would it hurt you to brush your hair, dab on some lip gloss or do some dishes? Maybe make some cookies....nothing says "Welcome to my home, my near-dead child is out back but consider me at your service" like a plate of freshly baked snicker doodle cookies.