Thursday, October 18, 2007

People are disgusting creatures.

Yes I mean you....and you! You vile, noxious, vapid, swine-sucking, chicken-vent-felating, baboon-boinking, horse-humping, reptile-rump-ranging, donut-hole-punching, sick, sharting, leaking FREAKS!

Not to insult you or anything.

I recently found a few things I'm told people actually eat. I will list them here so that you may regurgitate your 99-cent convenience store hot dog along with me.

Australians are no longer hot. I was down with Steve Irwin and Russell Crowe but now all that's been ruined and not just because Steve's dead. Who in their right mind wants to go around smelling like they've been tossing some random ferret's salad? I mean besides you, Dyck...we can't all be "Captain Carnal".

Speaking of which, I had a ferret once and while I am vaguely aware that it's not a weasel, it's close enough that I couldn't care less and called it one or the other by turns. Anyway, at no point in this Weaselferret's life did I see it cough up a chunk of something and immediately conclude that said chunk needed to be ground up so that I might later drink it. I don't know what country is responsible for this:

but it's clearly in need of a good bombing raid. The website selling this...."treat" describes their product:

Made from coffee beans that are regurgitated by weasels. The beans are then harvested (picked up) to make this fine flavoured coffee. A great talking point for dinner parties or maybe you might just like the taste of this unusual coffee. Sterilised and safe to eat. Don't believe us? Try it!

How 'bout a nice tall glass of GO TO HELL, YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE! Because no, eat weasel vomit if you must but leave me out of it. Besides, what kind of motherfucking "talking point" are they expecting your party guests to make when you reveal the source of that divinely sweet café au lait they've been delicately sipping for the last hour?

What's the number for the White House dammit? Get these horrible people and their horrible ideas off my planet! The Shrub will do this for me, he hates anything different which I consider to be his one and only respectable personality trait when it comes to ridiculous shit like this.

That up there is Snake Wine. You drink it. You open the top and hope like hell they didn't put a water moccasin in there who can hold it's breath during shipping. Then you pour it into a cup (I'm assuming you'd strain out any unsightly scaly bits) and then, bottoms up!

Again, I'm not quite sure which country has brought us this lovely concoction but since they priced this monstrosity in "euros" I'm going to go ahead and say it's one of those good-for-nothing foreign countries that has oil we most likely "need". So I'm putting this on my list of countries to call Dubya about.

Okay this one comes from the good old U, S of A. California to be exact. And yes, they want you to eat those. Not just eat them though. They want you to PAY to eat them. Where's a good god damned earthquake when you need it? Why is this state still here anyway? The Earth's tried shaking it off like the dingle berry that it is but the bastard seems to have sunk it's organically manicured nails into Nevada's nefarious sediment and refuses to let go. While I'd love to see a gang of showgirls band together and stiletto-stomp them loose I'm truthfully more inclined to enlist the help of the less-annoying state of Colorado instead. The way I see it, if Coloradans use their size 15 snow shoes on those next-door-Mormons to effectively kick-em-where-the-good-lord-split-em, that in turn would nudge them right into those hideous, herpes-infected, herpitarian hooching harlots on the coast and the weight of all of their collective stupidity would send the lot of them plummeting into the depths of the sea never to be heard from again.

And with all of these idiots gone we'd be able to live happily, snake-and-scorpion-wine-free, musky-mint-popping, weasel-regurgitated-coffee-drinking, worm-lunchin' ever after. The end. (my kids love this story)

I'll take trans-fats over this shit any day. Wheel in the 3-pound bacon-covered, triple-cheese burger with fried jalapenos, a side of ranch dressing and a bushel of salty fries....I'm hungry.

..think I can get that with gravy?

Happy Halloween Retards!

I made these templates for pumpkins because I have crotchlings that require entertaining and it was actually kind of fun to make them. Anyway, I'll be testing them out this're all (all 2 of you LOL) welcome to give it a try as well. Let me know if it sucks or not, k?

Oh and yes, they're crude but still give you the general idea. I may be highly talented with an IQ larger than Oprah's bank account, but I have dick to work with creatively so I make do.

They are also crude because I start projects and then get bored and toss them aside like a $2 whore. You name it: knitting, books, children, art projects...I start off well but have almost zero follow through. In fact I have over 20 blog posts I haven't finished....just sitting there .....staring me down every time I log in.


For the truly retarded you just copy/paste it to a document, adjust the size to fit a pumpkin, tape it on, poke little holes all around the yellow bits then cut those out. Or if you're a seriously average individual just print them out and tape them on whatever you have handy. Then go back to stalking barely legal hoochies using this holiday as an excuse to dress like skank whores.

There is also another version of each character that's NSFC unless your name's Britney Spears then ding dang, give Cleetus and Bufford some Red Bull and knives and let 'em wack these out on their own!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Blogger sucks anal lesions.

I had this entire huge-ass post written out and what did it do? It choked on it! Not even the heiney-lick would bring it back up. That shit was Pulitzer material too, yo.

So, in light of that I will leave you with this inquiry: Am I the only person who gets this log-in screen EVERY TIME I go to leave a comment on Dyck’s blog?

Aren't the letters supposed to change each time or something? Weird.

Friday, October 12, 2007

That's Officer Bitch to you....

If your child has drowned, don't be a douche and leave standing water everywhere. Be courteous and tidy up before emergency workers arrive. And would it hurt you to brush your hair, dab on some lip gloss or do some dishes? Maybe make some cookies....nothing says "Welcome to my home, my near-dead child is out back but consider me at your service" like a plate of freshly baked snicker doodle cookies.


Thursday, October 11, 2007

Dyck's Dream Home!

*cue angelic symphony of music*

For the man who loves all things "poop", I'd imagine getting to own this house would be the equivalent of receiving 72 virgins for the low-low price of blowing yourself up while standing next to a pack of infidels. Better even than taking a dump in Lowe’s without bothering to find an actual bathroom.

The story behind this palpable panegyric to the potty is enough to press even the most pristine person to the point of near-plethoric peculiarities in their otherwise poised personality. In part...
SIM Jae-Duck was born in a toilet and now he plans to live and die in one - a $US1.6 million ($1.8m) toilet-shaped house designed to promote his tireless campaign for cleaner loos worldwide.

er...he does realize the PURPOSE of these loos right? Regardless you've gotta hand it to the guy for embracing the sobering facts surrounding his birth. His mom thought he was a turd. But does he let that get him down? NO! That's the power of positive thinking folks.

Before he moves in, anyone who is flush with funds can rent it for $US50,000 a day - with proceeds going to his campaign to provide poor countries with proper sanitary facilities.
Get your credit card out Dyck! This is not only the trip of a lifetime, it's your chance to enable those less fortunate to poop somewhere besides the ditch that just so happens to lead to the village's supply of drinking and bathing water. A total win-win! Operators are standing by.....

"A showcase bathroom screened by a glass wall is located in its centre, while other toilets have elegant fittings or water conservation devices,'' Mr Sim said.

Oooo fancy! Don't know how I feel about the "glass wall" enclosure just yet. I'll need to study my poop face and get back to you.

The showcase loo will feature a device producing a mist to make users feel secure. An electronic sensor will raise the lid automatically when people enter, and there will also be music for patrons.

"secure user mist"? ....the fuck's that? I'm thinking they spray you down with some toxic nerve agent that loosens your bowels for you. That's hella nice since it means less straining for those of us who just can't seem to say "no" to carbs. Now, I'll admit to being slightly concerned about any potential long-term effects of this sort of biological laxative. Like....will I grow gills, how many heads will my future children have, if they have more than two can I get some sort of government subsidy to help me feed those superfluous mouths? You know, normal stuff. These things will clearly need to be sorted out ahead of time. But overall, it definitely has that "feel good" marketing vibe about it.

The house, complete with a stream and small garden in front, is named Haewoojae, meaning "a place of sanctuary where one can solve one's worries''.

Two things: why not just poop in the garden? It's fertilizer right? And, "haewoojae" is also the sound you make while evacuating the contents of your basement storage area after downing two Indian Tacos at the county fair.




moving on....

Mr Sim's campaign began during his term as Suweon mayor from 1995 to 2002. His drive to transform toilets into "clean and beautiful resting places imbued with culture'' earned him the nickname "Mayor Toilet''.

Oh now that sounds fun. Picking Mayor Mud Pie.

"Elect Mayor Mud Pie: The Elimination Enforcer"

"What's In YOUR Bum?"

His achievements prompted Mr Sim to launch the Korea Toilet Association in 1999, in time for South Korea's co-hosting with Japan of the football World Cup three years later. Then he decided to take his clean toilets drive worldwide. The proposed World Toilet Association might be seen to rival squeaky-clean Singapore, where the World Toilet Organisation is based, but Sim has said the work of the two bodies will not overlap.

There's just something about the use of the word "toilet" with the idea of two bodies overlapping that makes me uneasy.

"Toilets were once regarded as stinking and dirty places. Not any more. They must be treated as the sanctuary that protects human health,'' Mr Sim said.

I think our attitude surrounding toilets being "stinking, dirty places" has strong roots in the fact that our asses are really stinky, dirty places. The poor toilets are merely guilty by association.

Plus, here I thought that Dyck's obsessive interest in poop and the hole from which it comes was just a ploy to get him some action from the ladies. Now I see he's simply ahead of his time (I said "head"....heh.) and living in a society that sees the shitter as "that place of necessity" that routinely (if you get enough fiber anyway) interrupts our lunch-time afterglow. I see things so much more clearly now......

I always learn so much from that Dyck!

p.s. look at that picture of the house again. It has railing around the entire top portion, the "lid" if you will. Is that for gazing at asteroids? potty parties? checking out your neighbors moon? I suppose that's entirely irrelevant and not at all my point. I can totally see them making a cruise ship that looks like that some day though. Look again, I know you can see it! What would you call a cruise ship shaped like a toilet? The Floater.....The Porcelain Princess? Hmmmmmmm......

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Where "We close at 5:00pm" means God closes at 8:23pm

Texas. Gotta love it.

I'm telling you, the Texas legal system is nothing to mess with. It's not just that they enjoy killing people, it's that they thoroughly enjoy killing people. Fuck Missouri's slogan as the "Show me" state, Texas has them beat as the "kill me" state because anyone who chooses to commit a violent crime there is basically playing the lottery with Jesus....only instead of playing to win money they'll be lucky to leave the system with a few bad stories about anal rape.

Which begs the question:



Got a headache?
Been feeling under the weather?
Maybe feeling a little stressed...
or like maybe your neck hurts a little?

Have you also been swimming in Texas?

Ahhh. I see. Then you're dead.


Diseases are funny.

So apparently swimming with certain people who live in Texas can kill you and not just because most of them can't swim and when excited by the sunlight bouncing off the water's surface would drag you down like the hull of the Titanic. No, in addition to that, it would seem there is also this infection thingie. It's like herpes only for your brain. And "allegedly" (no amoebas have been tried in a court of law) when your lard ass splashes into area lakes ....***insert a bunch of scientific mumbo jumbo here***...then die.

It's the Dave Navarro disease or something...wait lemme look that up again.....

No, that was a slight's Naegleria fowleri. I was close though. Regardless, who woulda thought that swimming and ingesting water that looks like this could be bad for you???? I'm shocked I tell you. Shaken to my core etc....etc. Okay seriously people, it looks like a large puddle of the bi-product of a Fat Bastard colon cleansing. Shaken, not stirred. Are you kidding me!?! That people actually believe nothing bad can happen from having a cupful of this colonic concoction splashed into....well ANY of our orifices is truly beyond me? The fuck people...WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I realize this is confined predominantly to the southern states. But, what's next for our fine population of rednecks? ....letting your kids sift through the cat box for "crayons"? Oh and by the way, in case you answered "yes" to that last part, I recommend the "burnt sienna" or "raw umber" samples but would steer clear of the "ochre" tends toward the runny and we're drawing here kiddos, not finger painting!

Moving this Navarro complex, it's a straight up death sentence apparently. Like one week you're splashing playfully in some backwater cesspool and two weeks later...*bam* you stop breathing and what brain cells you have left turn to jell-o. I can't wait for the movie version of The Blob or The Fog only it's an amoeba that bungees off your nose hairs and eats through your grey matter. WICKED! More people will need to die in order for them to make a video game out of this though. And, unfortunately, MOST people will need to die in order to get a song as catchy as "Ring Around the Rosie" named after it.

But wouldn't that be neato?

Amoeba up your nosie
You go all comatose-e
you're dead within 2 weeks.

Wow that is a lovely tune. So, if you happen to be the type of person who has trouble connecting with the kids in your neighborhood, try sharing a song. It may just open up the lines of communication and enrich the overall quality of your communal living experience.