Monday, January 21, 2008

Useless Information

I'm not sure why I know this stuff. Perhaps it's because I've spent the past 8 years laboring away at a job that isn't the least bit stimulating and whose requirements seldom exceed the basics of being alive and breathing in order to complete. Or it could be that I am an amazing multitasker with a keen intellect whose problem solving abilities are rivaled only by my dynamic personality and ability to foresee and forestall any and all obstacles.

I'm leaning a bit toward the lack of stimulation personally, but I'll leave you with your own opinions.

Regardless of the are just a few of the things I know:

- A starfish eats by turning it's stomach inside out and effectively capturing it's prey before it reels them back in to digest. Yum.

- Argon gas is used to fill the inside of incandescent light bulbs and is the third most common gas in our atmosphere. The first is of course Dyck's incessant blatherings with oxygen following close behind.

- Button Gwinnett is the second signer on the Declaration of Independence. His signature is also the most valuable as he was killed in a duel a mere 9 months after adding his name to the final document leaving less than 50 samples of his signature to history.

- Ceres is the largest known asteroid.

- An Isohyet is a line on a map that joins two areas of equal rainfall.

- The infamously top-heavy Barbie doll actually has a middle and last name. It's Barbie Millicent Roberts and she'll be 49 this year.

- The biggest pyramid in the world is actually in Mexico and not Egypt.

- But speaking of Egypt, dead Egyptian women were left in the sun for 3 days before being embalmed so that their embalmers wouldn't find them attractive. Sexy!

- You could fill 2 average sized pools with the saliva you produce in a lifetime. Just one more reason I hate you.

- And speaking of hating takes 7 pounds of pressure to rip off a human ear.

- OH! A group of Crows is called a murder. (Entirely unrelated to my hating you I promise.)

- Coconuts kill more people than sharks do. (again a coincidence with the death thing)

- A pig orgasm lasts for 30 minutes! (see I've moved on to more pleasant things)

- An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain which leads me to believe the internets is primarily contributed to by these enormous and, judging by the sheer volume of websites devoted to porn...exceedingly horny beasts. I bet the pigs just love it though.

- Bulls are not attracted to the color red. They are however attracted to the movement of men in tight pants.

I know all of this and SO MUCH MORE.....and yet I can't remember to charge my cell phone at night not to mention forgetting the name of the new guy here at work even though he started more than 2 months ago!

Richard? Bob? Leeroy?


Oh well. At least I know that a crocodile can't move it's tongue because it's attached to the roof of it's mouth and that a jiffy is an actual measure of time (it's 1/60 of a second). See why I drink?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Pet Peeve

When you call me and ask for my fax number, don't start repeating the number until AFTER I'm done giving it. Otherwise it turns this:

Me: "123-456-7890"
You: "Okay I have 123-456-7890, is that correct?"
Me: "yes."

into this:

Me: "1, 2, 3"
You: "oooooooooone, twooooooooooooooooo.........four?"
Me: "No, 1, 2, 3.............4, 5..."
You: "oh, oooooone, twoooooooo, four."
Me: "No, it's 1...........2.............3........."
You: "123?"
Me: "yes" (fucktard!)
You: "...."
Me: (okay I'll go on) "4, 5, 6........"
You: "123....4.....threeeeeeeeee"
Me: "No, it's a 5"
You: "What's a five?"
Me: "The number after the 4"
You: "Which 4?"
Me: "?????????????????????" (the fuck!?)

So, yeah....just don't okay? Wait until I slooooooowly give all 10 numbers and I think we'll be fine?

Everyone who understands and agrees just shake your head up and down. Everyone else go kindly fuck yourselves and never call me again.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Seems like only yesterday

My last post was mid-October.

I'm not one of those people who feels compelled to come back with tales of how my kids' holiday activities exhausted my every available resource or how my obligatory family visits caused me to drink myself into oblivion just to stay sane. And I certainly don't highlight these truths as my reason for not posting. Hell no! I'm a real woman about it. I don't mind telling you the truth. I have nothing to hide!


I was abducted by aliens.

A graphic and much more disturbing story will be coming soon but for now just know that while the abduction only lasted a hot second I'm here to tell you that the itching, burning and subsequent sloughing will follow me the rest of my life, or so the scientists tell me. Seriously, I've spent the last two months in quarantine as the government tried to figure out whether the green scales on my naughty bits were contagious or not. Then when those fell off and were replaced by a strange sulphuric odor and hives in the shape of a five-pointed star...I was told it was most likely demonic possession and I should just go home and wait for their priest. That was right after Christmas and I haven't seen a single man-of-the-cloth since (unless you count the stripper dressed like Tarzan....but he was more a "man-of-the-loin-cloth"...HA!).

Needless to say, these are very trying and difficult times. And unlike that time I contracted nasal herpes, is also completely out of my control.

So....what's the verdict? Am I forgiven yet?