Thursday, August 23, 2007

So she's always on top....

Man with 78 kids plans 22 more
Monday, August 20, 2007

A one-legged, sixty-year-old father of 78 is lining up his next two wives in a bid to reach his target of 100 children by 2015, according to reports from the United Arab Emirates. Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, has already had 15 brides - although he has to divorce them as he goes along to remain within the legal limit of four wives at a time, Emirates Today reported on Monday.

'In 2015 I will be 68 years old and will have 100 children,' the local tabloid
quoted Abdul Rahman as saying.

'After that I will stop marrying. I have to have at least three more marriages to hit the century.' The newspaper splashed its front page with a picture of Abdul Rahman surrounded by his children, the eldest of whom is 36 years old and the youngest of whom is 20 days old. Two of his current three wives are also pregnant.

Abdul Rahman said his large family lived in 15 houses. He supports them with his military pension and the help of the government of Ajman, one of seven emirates that comprise the UAE, which includes the Gulf trade and tourism hub of Dubai.

Islam allows men to marry up to four women at a time, though most marry only one. The UAE is a Muslim country, but is home to migrants from around the world.
I don't even know where to begin so give me a moment to collect myself.


okay. *whew*

the fuck people!? One leg? Seriously. Most guys have three though right (or am I measuring wrong)? HA! I kid I kid!*

No, I'm just baffled I guess. How is this one-legged old man able to get so much poon and people who are far more bangable continue dating "Rosey" night after night... after night? I guess it's possible that one leg is hot in Dubai kinda like getting deathly levels of bacterial nerve toxin injected into one's forehead is hot here. Wait, did I say "hot"...I meant fubar.

Obviously, I can't imagine it but I can admit that it could happen.
Of course, I can't admit to such a thing without feeling like Dubai isn't just another one of them there seven United Arab Emirates (love that last word by the way....looks like "Pirates" if...you know, you're drunk and can't spell or read); it's instead part of a parallel universe where rich people actually go to jail and handicapped porn sells faster than Karla can entice the degenerate friends of hers to make it. It's basically a land made entirely out of cotton candy clouds and licorice trees where people fart cherry blossoms and shit bucket loads of skittles.

This place....this haven for the unfuckable....it's like imagining a world where your day starts precisely at noon, you work exactly 2 hours each day and that includes 1 hour for lunch, you're then whisked away to the spa for the afternoon where if you so choose your massage comes with a "happy ending"...then as you're sipping drinks poolside your boss calls to tell you that your one-hour-a-day performance is phenomenal and he's honored to have you on his team...so honored in fact that he feels compelled to not only offer you another 100-grand a year but also the services of his 22-year-old trophy wife and her twin sister who he reveals, have had their eye on you for some time and never one to deny his little darling what she wants, he's taken the liberty of commissioning a limo to pick you up and take you to a privately chartered plane where a team of Asian porn-stewardesses are standing by ready to fluff you all the way to Bora Bora at which time your plane will be met by none other than his bimbo wife and her "identical-except-for-the-beauty-mark-on-one-twins-no-no-special-place" sister who not only both enthusiastically encourage you to find said beauty mark without using your hands.....but are also......wait for it.....

NAKED!

GOD, yeah.....It's really THAT difficult for me to imagine. Where was I?....

Oh yes, Pogo. Don't get me wrong, I love me some turban-wearing gang bangers (a term used here to imply multiple sexual partners at once and not an affiliation with 'da west-si-eeeeeee-d') just like the next person. I just hate to break it to Daddy Ramen up there but the likelihood that ALL of those kids are his is pretty slim. His brother, his neighbor, one of his elder sons hittin' it with his younger step-mom? Yep. All more likely to have happened than the mind-numbing lies he's trying to sell. In fact, I believe even I am more likely to have fathered some of those kids and I readily admit that 1) I don't have a penis and 2) I haven't been to Dubai in like 3 years and that trip was the result of waaaay too much tequila at a high altitude. Regardless, dude is kidding himself and he should feel lucky the closest thing they have to a paternity test over there is eye-witness testimony from whatever family members sleep closest to you every night.

Which reminds me....I used to have a 10-gallon tank of guppies I bought basically because they didn't bark, wouldn't shit on my carpet and were highly unlikely to regurgitate anything into my favorite house shoes. Originally, I bought like 2 males and maybe 5 or 6 females and thought it would be cute to have little guppy babies swimming around in there....sort of like playing God and choosing who would breed. Fun stuff. Anyway this experiment of creationism stayed cute for all of about 3 months when I began to notice that there were just a lot of fucking fish in my pansy ass little $20 tank. I'm not talking "here a fish there a fish everywhere a fish-fish" either. HELL no! I don't even think there was water in the tank at one point...it was just this gyrating sea of reflective scaly bits writhing together like the churning tides as they answer the call of the moon....only it smelled like the Poop Sea and instead of the moon I just had a flickering florescent bulb that cast this eerie green haze into the depths of the tank, which now that I think about it reminded me a lot of Swamp Thing...don't know why. But I digress....it was a filthy hovel of a fish tank because I refused to reach into the thing to clean it out. Fish were getting pregnant by the sheer accident of not having enough room to go around each other. Brothers were fucking their sisters, dads had their daughters....it was the slum of all slums and I finally had to admit that I made a positively horrible God-type-thing. Fish bodies started floating to the top where I'd skim them off hoping none of the other fish had noticed. Fearing that they had and were launching a surprise attack in order to free themselves from the grip of their evil Overlord (namely, me). I had to sleep with one eye open for the entire last week I had them! It was
THAT.BAD.

Anyway...anytime people like this damn-near pull a hammy trying to impregnate everything not quick enough to flee, it reminds me of my fishy ghetto and all of my impoverished guppy families forced to nibble at each other's tails for nourishment. It's not that I didn't feed them, mind you...the food simply never reached the ones at the bottom (but...ain't that always the way???)....

true story.



*I'm so not kidding

5 comments:

Dyck!! said...

Hmmm...15 wives, eh? I might have to take a little trip to Dubai!

And who the fuck is Rosey?

Patti said...

Rosie Palm? You know who "she" is....don't play coy with me.

honeykbee said...

He has 100 kids (give or take) and is name is "Daad"? Seriously? I bet his mom and Lawyer Malloy's mom get together regularly to proselytize the importance of using forethought when choosing names for your children. At least, they should.

Patti said...

He could always follow the George Foreman methodology...."this is Daad, and there...that's Daad and then over here we have....Daad"

It's Me...Maven said...

Fantastic post! Truly!

Followed you from Dyck's place...

http://ijustknowitsoutthere.blogspot.com