Thursday, August 30, 2007

Bringing up Baby

Many of you know my dealer......uh..."friend", Karla. She recently shot a kid out and it's the cutest darn life form I've seen in quite some time. In fact, seeing that baby's squishy face has brought out the care-giver in me. Since the birth of her daughter (son? what did she have again?) I've felt the sudden and oftentimes sickening urge to make the world a better place. Now I'll be the first to admit that doing so could be accomplished through the mere act of choosing not to scream obscenities at old people driving half the speed limit during my morning commute. However, I'm never one to take the easy way out or into any situation. Not to mention, I clearly have next-to-no interest in changing my life too overly much. Logic dictates I should choose something that would look good to the average person and yet not require a great deal of effort or consistency on my part.

Which is why I chose to buy my way into the illusion of a clearer conscience which, in the end, feels the same to me. It's pure genius really. I'll buy something for the little rugrat that outwardly shows my feigned interest in it's future health and well-being. I come off looking like a saintly optimist who's completely in touch with the needs and direction of the average American Family, plus I'm helping out the economy or something-or-other by contributing to local commerce, free trade and if I play my cards right: a year's salary for some 9-year-old working in a sweatshop in Bangladesh. It really is a win-win.

I'm fully aware that given who it is we're talking about here the most likely scenario is she'll just end up hocking a Diaper Genie or set of Baby Einstein DVDs for some smokes and another month on her Valtrex prescription. But I can't worry about that right now. I have to stay focused on what's really important: making myself look better. So, be that as it may.... I'm growing quite confused over what to get and whether the baby will ever set eyes on it if it turns out to be of some monetary value. Clearly I can't get anything too overly expensive or with high resale value not to mention an active trading history on the black market. So it begs the question: What do you get someone like Karla; a lady with everything but class, a clean police record and a year's worth of sobriety since she was like 7?

For me, liquor's simply out of the question...I know first hand that she's got at least 60 bottles hidden in various places at any given time. And trust me, her ingenuity in camouflaging them is only matched by her ruthlessness in their retrieval. It cost me $4,000, 2 surgeries and a month's worth of rehab to get over her last game of "peek-a-booze". I still cringe when I see a bottle of Grey Goose......

So I may not be emotionally capable of contributing to what her husband and friends refer to as the slow inoculation of a nicer, sweeter Karla. At least not ever in that way again. But, since I am in the "giving" spirit, I figure I can help assist the next generation in learning for themselves the arts that are binge drinking, addiction and the morning-after clean-up. As luck would have it, I ran across a series of books I feel best demonstrate the direction today's youth should lean both in education and life-preparation in order to better care for their parents when that time comes. And for this child, that time most likely will come much sooner than she thinks.

Now I know what you're saying: "But Patti, shouldn't the child learn the differences between distilled and fermented liquors and when it's more appropriate to offer pure grain alcohol over something more subtle?" and I do see your point. My gift is only meant as a starter course for the average infant/toddler and is no way meant to supply any child with ALL of the necessary skills required to fully provide the self-medicating assistance so vital to the care of today's stressed-out parents. I only wish it were easier and the information more readily available. Unfortunately, this beginner's manual will simply have to be a good enough place to start. Perhaps this generation of future addicts will do a better job of creating more suitable tools for teaching these valuable life-skills, provided they're not all too hosed to even recognize that spark of innovation when they see it.

I am actually rather fond of the illustrations and the way the author seems to meld the needs of the parents with the type of artwork and content that most appeals to small children. It's virtually flawless in it's design as it provides useful guidelines on a cardboard structure enabling the teething youngster to assist parents without wasting time and attention on their own overly personal impediments. The fact that the author then goes out of her way to acknowledge and reward the efforts of the child with a most gracious display of appreciation at the end....well that is what makes this item well worth it's price tag.

There are other titles in this series, I simply chose this one since it requires no real means of mobility or skill other than the ability to grasp large objects. And we all know she's already doing that!


Mighty Dyckerson said...

Oh, so now that she's had a baby (again), Ms. Babble gets all the attention??! What do I have to do to get some respect around here, pass a stone??!

Patti said...

Oooo do you have one? It wouldn't hurt (me anyway).

But honestly...I did put your name on my felon list just this week. And I look on a near-whenever basis for smut and general depravity that reminds me of you. It's just the only place I find that shit is either on YOUR blog or in my death-row fan mail.