Friday, August 10, 2007

Organization...not just for ugly losers anymore

that's spite of the company I keep and the things that entertain me, I'm really quite intelligent...educated even. Well, not in the "legitimate" sense but hey, look at where our great country would be if we required everyone to live by legitimate means. Besides, I can whip up a degree or two to get me by in my sleep...well, actually my kids can but who do you think pays their bills? Well, okay the older one has his own "chemistry" business in his bedroom and that seems pretty profitable (it got me these new shoes and this ring.....OH! and some cute little pill looking things that help me stay up so I can watch my stories: The Real Wives of Orange County and Jerry Springer's Most Shocking. They're also really good at dissolving those pesky clogs in the tub.....I got such great kids ya'll.....). But back to me. I am one organizational machine. As a part-time mom and full-time Wife-for-a-Night...I have to be!

Anyway, before long it'll be time to send the little crotchlings back to detention..I mean school! Where the seeds of knowledge will take root in their little minds and quite likely cause a tumor. But, what doesn't kill them will, by golly, make them stronger and more capable of providing for me in my old age. (I'm a giver) However, with the addition of their school schedules I find it benefits the entire family if I do a few things to help limit the amount of clutter and basically streamline the daily processes we each undertake as we prepare for our individual days. I likewise delegate and correlate the evenings activities so that Mommy's "business meetings" don't get interrupted and the kids get their daily tasks done.

Friends and fiends, I'm here to share my knowledge with you! May you benefit from my expertise.....

Step 1: De-clutter. You might be saying "But Patti, what constitutes clutter?" to which I reply "Jesus people!. How retarded do you have to be to not know when some thing's messy?" It's simple: if it's in your way and it doesn't belong to you, it's clearly trash. This isn't the time to be sentimental either. Grow some balls and then, just like your crusty shorts, stick to 'em. Your spouse might complain about not having "their own things" and your kids might feel like they're "no longer loved" but your ability to free your family space will eventually help them to feel freer to look outside the home for companionship and safety. And that's what being a parent is all about: teaching our kids how to be independent as soon as possible. Which brings me to my second step.

Step 2: Learn to Conserve. This applies to everything from food to electricity and even laundry. It's a common misconception that kids need several sets of clothes. I mean, get real. They only have ONE body right? I've found that by throwing away all of there clothing except one complete set, I free up hours of my time every week that used to be spent sorting and resorting mountains of clothes just to have them get dirty the next week. So long as your child bathes regularly, there's no reason they can't wear the same thing day, after day, after day. Yes, they'll resist this logic at first. But, if you also implement my de-cluttering and food conservation ideas...before long, they won't have the energy to expend on back-talk and sassing. Not only that, but the decreased intake of food will help them get the most use out of their clothes over time. Another common misconception is that people need 3 meals a day. By giving my family safe, over-the-counter sleep aids I've found that they'll naturally sleep through breakfast and lunch. Conserving food in this way has saved my family more than $700/month! Wow! Don't continue to buy into the government and corporate propaganda surrounding nutrition, health and safety. They spread lies such as The Food Pyramid to instill fear and further separate you from your hard-earned money. It's time you reclaimed your financial freedom!

moving on...

Step 3: Delegate. This idea that the parents or adults in the household are responsible for it's upkeep is not only medieval but it's dangerous! How are our children supposed to learn how to re shingle a house, unclog a sewer line or install customized strobe lighting over Mom's vibrating bed if we don't teach them? I am sick to death of watching other parents slave over their children as they happily poop their pants and just expect that someone will come along and clean it up. The time has come for us to stand together and say " is not okay for you to cry between the hours of 8:00pm and 8:00am. is not okay for you to continually force us to take time away from the things we enjoy just so you don't feel alone. And is not okay for you to shit yourself." As adults, we deserve to be happy too and if we continually buy into this ideal that kids can't take care of themselves...well, we simply never will be.

Step 4: Take time out for you. The previous steps might confuse some people into believing that after systematically removing all of your family's possessions and finally getting the kids outside to clean the gutters and fix that flickering porch light that you surely have found more than enough time for yourself. Well, that's simply not the case. Would it surprise you to learn that 97% of all people ever to have lived desire more time?* Moreover, would it surprise you that 85% of women choose to spend their free time on other people?** See, by freeing up your time with my earlier tried and true methods, even the most highly motivated and selfless individuals can get sucked back into their old ways. Study after study *** has proven, when given a window of inactivity we quickly race to fill it with more work. The type of work might vary; it might be binge drinking, fornicating with multiple loose women of questionable cleanliness or simple All-American porn...every one's different. But what isn't different and what can affect us all should we grow careless and lax is what I consider a Global Crisis of Giving. You can hardly throw a stick in a crowded orphanage without hitting a handful (of children mainly) of charities. They all either want your time or maybe your blood....some want money, some want your soul and some even want your wife.

I'll leave it up to you if you want to dispose of family members in such a way. However, there are two things you simply cannot part with; one is obviously your money (crack won't buy itself), the other is your time. Regardless of the cause, it's highly unlikely anyone at the receiving end of any charity even knows you exist. Therefore, it stands to reason that if you choose not to donate of yourself or your money these people will likely starve to death or go blind or something. This is perfectly normal. The important thing is that they do so never knowing it's because of you. It's vital to your own health and sense of well-being that you strive to retain a clear conscience at all times. So please, feel free to discern the truth in whatever way best achieves this goal. However, do try to remember that while "idleness is [indeed] the glove into which evil slips it's hand"... it's also true that "candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker".

Goodnight and good luck.

*99% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
**You can interpret "on people" in whatever way amuses you.
***of course there's no study...idiot!


Eric said...


99% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Interesting Statistic. Did you made it on the spot. :)

Patti said...

yes, I have others if you'd like to see those. :-)

85% of all comments on blogs are made by men.

73% of all yawns are actually faked.

only 5% of all the people who are 80% positive or more admit they are 50% right about 90% of most statistics.