Monday, June 25, 2007

What to do, what to do

In light of Karla's instantaneous confession, I've found I no longer have any use for some of the surveillance, combat and rescue gear donated to us by concerned citizens within Karla's community. I know I'm not alone in my disappointment at this sudden and sad turn of events. It's not every day you get to witness a group of rookie cops straight out of the academy taking down a 30-month pregnant mother of seven* who just so happens to also be the world's leading manufacturer of crystal meth and Cooter Cozies.

Here I thought this would involve months of late-night stakeouts and at the very least a chance to see her on COPS. I've never seen them take down a person of her girth before. I'll admit, I feel cheated. No tapping phone or sewer lines, no strip-searching and probing her relatives as they come to bring food for the kid, and I was really looking forward to that. The Chief even told me I could keep whatever I found on or in whomever I searched! What's not to like about that? And now that's completely down the shitter!

So, in addition to being really bummed. I now have to find some other use for some of this equipment. Raise your hand if you find anything you need....

Don't go jumping all over this one Karla, just because you think they might provide you with a few extra minutes of sleep each night. I'll have you know, they're not made for just lounging around as one would assume based on their purpose. Not that I did or would mind you! But I've heard talk of such things. And I must say, who in their right mind sits around in a diaper for 12 straight hours watching reruns of Charmed and drinking sweet tea? Well, besides you Karla and that other crazy lady. Although, I'll admit, I admire her determination, she's no quitter that one. And I do like me some sweet tea. Regardless, unlike some people I know who get all knocked up and then decide to swear off mobility altogether, some folks actually use these things to get out there and interact with the world. Grant it they're the stinkier of the interactors, but they're trying. While you're what? Laying in state hoping the Schwan's van breaks down in front of your house so you can pounce on it's frozen delicacies? You know, on second thought perhaps you can have the three I had left. It'd do you good to get vertical again.

Also, we sort of broke the budget on this next item. I'd really like to keep it since you just never know who I'll piss off next. But it only gets like .007 miles to the gallon and I'm getting really tired of stopping to fill up at every corner. It comes equipped with a fully functioning live-fire, retractable gunnery system which can hold several types of standard tank ammunition in calibers 105mm and 120mm, through the substitution of easily available caliber .50 ammunition types. The trajectory of caliber .50 SLAP-T (Saboted Light Armor Penetrator-Tracer), M962 ammunition is an excellent match to 2,000m, sufficient to exercise the tank crew with the standard half-scale or full-scale targets. 1,500m capability can be achieved with the use of caliber .50 APIT, M20 ammunition. And lets you think I'm all business and no also has built-in dual DVD players in the head rests as well as an old-style Atari gaming system that includes Pong, Centipede, Ms. Pac-man, Frogger and Break-Out. Only serious inquiries need respond to this one as I'm more than happy to hang out in the thing in lieu of driving it just to get away from my family. So it's not like I have to get rid of it or anything. But if it could be put to better use elsewhere, then who am I to withhold?

Lastly I had about 300 of these shirts printed up. I was envisioning protest rallies, sit-ins and candlelight vigils organized for the sole purpose of saving those poor children. One might argue that the crisis is far from over and while I agree, I also must admit that my own kids might need clothes in the near future so perhaps peddling a few items at the expense of a couple of kids I never met wouldn't be that bad. It doesn't hurt that there are enough sick adults out there that would get a charge out of it too. If you think it's depraved then I apologize profusely and assure you that I in no way meant to either dehumanize a mother doing her best to care for her crotchlings nor profit on their collective plight. If, however, you like one of the items....send $20.00 cash (NO CHECKS YOU WORTHLESS BASTARDS!) to me in an unmarked envelope. The shirts are available in infant sizes as well as XXXL adult for the fatties. Don't' ask me why a fatty would want one, I just know my target audience.

Oh...and leave the money on the green bench outside the Baskin Robins on 33rd and Marshall.

*what, like you're keeping track?????

p.s. if the above picture if blurreee, yo'ure probably drUnk.


karla said...

This just goes to show how little you know about me. I gave up wearing Depends in the 80s...they're for amateurs. I switched to a colostomy bag long ago--and I saved a lot of money by skipping the doctor and putting it in myself. Yeah, I know...pretty impressive.

Patti said...

I definitely feel some way about that statement....though I'm not sure it's "impressed". I'll need to access my emotions later, perhaps while drinking, and see if I can identify it.