Happy Halloween Retards!

I made these templates for pumpkins because I have crotchlings that require entertaining and it was actually kind of fun to make them. Anyway, I'll be testing them out this weekend...you're all (all 2 of you LOL) welcome to give it a try as well. Let me know if it sucks or not, k?

Oh and yes, they're crude but still give you the general idea. I may be highly talented with an IQ larger than Oprah's bank account, but I have dick to work with creatively so I make do.

They are also crude because I start projects and then get bored and toss them aside like a $2 whore. You name it: knitting, books, children, art projects...I start off well but have almost zero follow through. In fact I have over 20 blog posts I haven't finished....just sitting there .....staring me down every time I log in.

Bastards.

For the truly retarded you just copy/paste it to a document, adjust the size to fit a pumpkin, tape it on, poke little holes all around the yellow bits then cut those out. Or if you're a seriously average individual just print them out and tape them on whatever you have handy. Then go back to stalking barely legal hoochies using this holiday as an excuse to dress like skank whores.

There is also another version of each character that's NSFC unless your name's Britney Spears then ding dang, give Cleetus and Bufford some Red Bull and knives and let 'em wack these out on their own!

FYI

Blogger sucks anal lesions.

I had this entire huge-ass post written out and what did it do? It choked on it! Not even the heiney-lick would bring it back up. That shit was Pulitzer material too, yo.

So, in light of that I will leave you with this inquiry: Am I the only person who gets this log-in screen EVERY TIME I go to leave a comment on Dyck’s blog?

Aren't the letters supposed to change each time or something? Weird.

That's Officer Bitch to you....

Consider this fair warning.

If your child has drowned, don't be a douche and leave standing water everywhere. Be courteous and tidy up before emergency workers arrive. And would it hurt you to brush your hair, dab on some lip gloss or do some dishes? Maybe make some cookies....nothing says "Welcome to my home, my near-dead child is out back but consider me at your service" like a plate of freshly baked snicker doodle cookies.

Mmmmmmmm.

Dyck's Dream Home!

*cue angelic symphony of music*


For the man who loves all things "poop", I'd imagine getting to own this house would be the equivalent of receiving 72 virgins for the low-low price of blowing yourself up while standing next to a pack of infidels. Better even than taking a dump in Lowe’s without bothering to find an actual bathroom.

The story behind this palpable panegyric to the potty is enough to press even the most pristine person to the point of near-plethoric peculiarities in their otherwise poised personality. In part...

SIM Jae-Duck was born in a toilet and now he plans to live and die in one - a $US1.6 million ($1.8m) toilet-shaped house designed to promote his tireless campaign for cleaner loos worldwide.

er...he does realize the PURPOSE of these loos right? Regardless you've gotta hand it to the guy for embracing the sobering facts surrounding his birth. His mom thought he was a turd. But does he let that get him down? NO! That's the power of positive thinking folks.

Before he moves in, anyone who is flush with funds can rent it for $US50,000 a day - with proceeds going to his campaign to provide poor countries with proper sanitary facilities.

Get your credit card out Dyck! This is not only the trip of a lifetime, it's your chance to enable those less fortunate to poop somewhere besides the ditch that just so happens to lead to the village's supply of drinking and bathing water. A total win-win! Operators are standing by.....

"A showcase bathroom screened by a glass wall is located in its centre, while other toilets have elegant fittings or water conservation devices,'' Mr Sim said.

Oooo fancy! Don't know how I feel about the "glass wall" enclosure just yet. I'll need to study my poop face and get back to you.

The showcase loo will feature a device producing a mist to make users feel secure. An electronic sensor will raise the lid automatically when people enter, and there will also be music for patrons.

"secure user mist"? ....the fuck's that? I'm thinking they spray you down with some toxic nerve agent that loosens your bowels for you. That's hella nice since it means less straining for those of us who just can't seem to say "no" to carbs. Now, I'll admit to being slightly concerned about any potential long-term effects of this sort of biological laxative. Like....will I grow gills, how many heads will my future children have, if they have more than two can I get some sort of government subsidy to help me feed those superfluous mouths? You know, normal stuff. These things will clearly need to be sorted out ahead of time. But overall, it definitely has that "feel good" marketing vibe about it.

The house, complete with a stream and small garden in front, is named Haewoojae, meaning "a place of sanctuary where one can solve one's worries''.

Two things: why not just poop in the garden? It's fertilizer right? And, "haewoojae" is also the sound you make while evacuating the contents of your basement storage area after downing two Indian Tacos at the county fair.


.....haewoooooooojae

...haeWOOOOOOOOOOjae

HAEWOOOOJAEHAEWOOJAEJESUSJESUS....ahhhh. true story.


moving on....

Mr Sim's campaign began during his term as Suweon mayor from 1995 to 2002. His drive to transform toilets into "clean and beautiful resting places imbued with culture'' earned him the nickname "Mayor Toilet''.

Oh now that sounds fun. Picking names.....like Mayor Mud Pie.

"Elect Mayor Mud Pie: The Elimination Enforcer"











"What's In YOUR Bum?"

His achievements prompted Mr Sim to launch the Korea Toilet Association in 1999, in time for South Korea's co-hosting with Japan of the football World Cup three years later. Then he decided to take his clean toilets drive worldwide. The proposed World Toilet Association might be seen to rival squeaky-clean Singapore, where the World Toilet Organisation is based, but Sim has said the work of the two bodies will not overlap.

There's just something about the use of the word "toilet" with the idea of two bodies overlapping that makes me uneasy.

"Toilets were once regarded as stinking and dirty places. Not any more. They must be treated as the sanctuary that protects human health,'' Mr Sim said.

I think our attitude surrounding toilets being "stinking, dirty places" has strong roots in the fact that our asses are really stinky, dirty places. The poor toilets are merely guilty by association.

Plus, here I thought that Dyck's obsessive interest in poop and the hole from which it comes was just a ploy to get him some action from the ladies. Now I see he's simply ahead of his time (I said "head"....heh.) and living in a society that sees the shitter as "that place of necessity" that routinely (if you get enough fiber anyway) interrupts our lunch-time afterglow. I see things so much more clearly now......

I always learn so much from that Dyck!

p.s. look at that picture of the house again. It has railing around the entire top portion, the "lid" if you will. Is that for gazing at asteroids? potty parties? checking out your neighbors moon? I suppose that's entirely irrelevant and not at all my point. I can totally see them making a cruise ship that looks like that some day though. Look again, I know you can see it! What would you call a cruise ship shaped like a toilet? The Floater.....The Porcelain Princess? Hmmmmmmm......

Where "We close at 5:00pm" means God closes at 8:23pm

Texas. Gotta love it.

I'm telling you, the Texas legal system is nothing to mess with. It's not just that they enjoy killing people, it's that they thoroughly enjoy killing people. Fuck Missouri's slogan as the "Show me" state, Texas has them beat as the "kill me" state because anyone who chooses to commit a violent crime there is basically playing the lottery with Jesus....only instead of playing to win money they'll be lucky to leave the system with a few bad stories about anal rape.

Which begs the question:

Yee-haw.

Braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!!!!

Got a headache?
Been feeling under the weather?
Maybe feeling a little stressed...
or like maybe your neck hurts a little?

Have you also been swimming in Texas?

Ahhh. I see. Then you're dead.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!

Diseases are funny.

So apparently swimming with certain people who live in Texas can kill you and not just because most of them can't swim and when excited by the sunlight bouncing off the water's surface would drag you down like the hull of the Titanic. No, in addition to that, it would seem there is also this infection thingie. It's like herpes only for your brain. And "allegedly" (no amoebas have been tried in a court of law) when your lard ass splashes into area lakes ....***insert a bunch of scientific mumbo jumbo here***...then ....you die.

It's the Dave Navarro disease or something...wait lemme look that up again.....

No, that was a slight typo...it's Naegleria fowleri. I was close though. Regardless, who woulda thought that swimming and ingesting water that looks like this could be bad for you???? I'm shocked I tell you. Shaken to my core etc....etc. Okay seriously people, it looks like a large puddle of the bi-product of a Fat Bastard colon cleansing. Shaken, not stirred. Are you kidding me!?! That people actually believe nothing bad can happen from having a cupful of this colonic concoction splashed into....well ANY of our orifices is truly beyond me? The fuck people...WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I realize this is confined predominantly to the southern states. But, what's next for our fine population of rednecks? ....letting your kids sift through the cat box for "crayons"? Oh and by the way, in case you answered "yes" to that last part, I recommend the "burnt sienna" or "raw umber" samples but would steer clear of the "ochre"...it tends toward the runny and we're drawing here kiddos, not finger painting!

Moving on....so this Navarro complex, it's a straight up death sentence apparently. Like one week you're splashing playfully in some backwater cesspool and two weeks later...*bam* you stop breathing and what brain cells you have left turn to jell-o. I can't wait for the movie version of this...like The Blob or The Fog only it's an amoeba that bungees off your nose hairs and eats through your grey matter. WICKED! More people will need to die in order for them to make a video game out of this though. And, unfortunately, MOST people will need to die in order to get a song as catchy as "Ring Around the Rosie" named after it.

But wouldn't that be neato?

Amoeba up your nosie
You go all comatose-e
neurons
liquefy
you're dead within 2 weeks.

Wow that is a lovely tune. So, if you happen to be the type of person who has trouble connecting with the kids in your neighborhood, try sharing a song. It may just open up the lines of communication and enrich the overall quality of your communal living experience.

Apparently, I've got a Dyck up my ass...

that line alone should guarantee me at least two more new hits this week. Well, that and this:














JACKPOT!

But moving on...

My last blog post had one pathetic comment. Nevermind that my last blog was last month or anything. How often I write and about what is nobody's goddamned business but my own. Well, mine and the Federal Government's Homeland Security division (HEY GUYS!!!*waving*). But Dyck was the only one to comment and it was totally beyond rude:

Mighty Dyckerson said...
Oh, so now that she's had a baby (again), Ms. Babble gets all the attention??! What do I have to do to get some respect around here, pass a stone??!
August 30, 2007 10:44 PM

naturally, in my head it translated to:

MightyDyckerson said...
WAH! I'm a baby (again), Ms. Babble gets all the attention??! Have raunchy online fetish sex with me or I'll pass a stone??!
August 30, 2007 10:44 PM

Clearly this is not acceptable nor is it the type of readership I was promised in my pact with the Devil. Note to self: check fine print on all legal documents when dealing with the underworld.

Moving on.... I know I've been giving Karla most of my attention since....well, since I reached the height of my tolerance for boredom at work and, finding all good porn blocked, decided to surf for crazies. I'm trying to be honest here people (person?), work with me. I found her almost instantly and was hooked. She's my Blogger equivalent of say black-tar heroine or watching gorillas felate each other at the zoo. Now I realize that this type of unwanted and unrequited behavior could be considered by outsiders as stalking and something most healthy people in today's society don't ordinarily compete for . But, one might obviously point to the fact that, like me, she tends toward breeding (though she's not quite as prolific as I have been...yet). But I think it takes more than passing a writhing mass of sexual bi-product through one's naughty hole to bring two people together. Shocking, I know.

No, I think it's because I can identify with her lifestyle. I too used to mainline toilet bowl cleaner and freebase bird seed. I also have often had random sex with the baggers at the Piggly Wiggly and frequently get arrested for molesting mannequins at Macy's. I get it! More importantly, I get her.

But this Dyck fella.....he's got me all stressed about my target audience. More importantly the fact that I don't have one outside of "HER". Saying it like that makes it sound creepy so let me back up and just take that bit back...mmmmkay? What I'm trying to say is I don't need the stress. Not in my line of work anyway. One wrong move and people die! I don't think Dyck understands that. Perhaps what he does isn't as important to the stability of social order the way mine so clearly is. I understand how easily some people slip into the comfort of their own pseudo self-importance, though I've never had that problem. But the cold hard truth is that eventually, in everyone's life, reality comes nigger-knocking at some point. And it's up to you to decide whether you step on the flaming bag of poo that's left behind or.....

WAIT....where the fuck are you going?


You were reading then you got this strange look on your face and just ....left.


Was it something I said?